There’s always that one person…the one that constantly pops back up into your head, even after you convinced yourself that you were over them, you’re better off without them, you don’t need them…
It’s been a few months, maybe even a year or so, so you’ve passed that stage of daily grief and self pity; you’ve passed that stage where you feel yourself dragging through the motions of everyday life, and spending night after night scrolling through old pictures/videos, text messages, and/or their social media pages; you’ve passed that stage where you constantly fight the urge to send them a message asking What happened? Where did we go wrong? What did I do?
For the most part, you’re happy. You’re back in your groove; you feel more energized, enthusiastic, and optimistic. You’ve set goals for yourself, you’re going out with your friends again, and you’re making the most with what you have. Your favorite part is that you can wake up in the morning and look forward to the day without them being the first thought in your head when you open your eyes…
…but then there’s certain moments, random moments, like when you’re driving to work, or you’re riding the bus to your next class, and someway, somehow, a tiny memory unexpectedly exposes itself, like a leak in the ceiling, and memories start to drip-drop into your head. You don’t know how this leak happened, but you hurry to put a stop to it. As you frantically search for a way to stop the leak, the drip-drops grow faster, and larger. You can’t fight the feeling as your stomach twirls, your muscles tighten, your heart grows heavier with each breath, your mind is fuzzy and unable to focus…so, helplessly, you surrender because it’s just no use. All you can do is wait for the rain to stop, so the memories continue to flood your mind.
But what I want you to realize is this:
It’s not the person you miss; it’s the memories you made with them that you long for.
And it’s absolutely okay to miss those memories; I’d be concerned if you didn’t have any memories that you longed to relive.
Understandably, some memories are better than others, and it’s painful when we have to come to terms with the fact that these memories can’t reoccur because that person isn’t around anymore. But that’s where our minds trick us…
We become sad and disheartened because our brain somehow convinces us that we will never feel as high as we once did when we were with that person. Specific hormones get released when we’re with someone that makes us feel extra good, and when those hormones are absent (along with the person), our brain draws a correlation between the two.
Think of your brain as the puppy who anxiously waits for his owner to come back from work. He expects the owner to be back in a few hours, but when the owner gets held overtime the puppy whines and cries. Our brain is the puppy waiting, and the owner is the happy-hormone that comes and goes.
As the hours pass, the dog begins to look for other distractors, right? He finds a toy to play with, eats some food, and sleeps — forgetting about the owner. In other words, our brain begins to pick up other ways to stay occupied in order to move on.
The dog only stays distracted for so long, though. And like us, something triggers those memories to ignite a reminder of what we once had, what we once felt.
I think you get the gist of my analogy. But let’s say that dog was placed with another family…do you think he’d still dwell on his old owner? Mmm, not for very long because he’ll be loving his new family. Just like you…you will find someone else who will make you feel just as special. And that’s what you need to believe, and what you need to see happening for your future self.
It might not be now, but you will relive those memories again. I understand it’s hard to believe that when you’re in pain, but trust me. Every day you are getting closer and closer to meeting someone new, someone who will make you feel just as amazing, if not more. They’re coming…I promise.
But remember, that’s not to say that the last person you were with, and those memories you shared with them, are invalid. Every person you meet was placed into your life to teach you something because there are no regrets in life — just lessons learned and experiences made. And be grateful that those experiences happened because I’m sure they taught you something valuable about yourself, or about the world around you. They changed you in some way, shape, or form. So don’t regret that.
You have time, my friend. So much time. It’s not the end, and I promise you will see a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.
If you need to feel that grief, if you need to cry it out, then do it. The more you allow yourself to feel whatever was hiding in the dark crevices of your heart, the better; the easier it will continue to get.
So please don’t beat yourself up. We’re human; it’s okay to miss someone who doesn’t deserve you, but have faith that someone who does deserve you is getting closer and closer to meeting your spectacular self…